Unselfish Self-Care

There is an affection in every employment, and it strains the mind, and keeps it intent upon its work or study. This, if it be not relaxed, becomes dull, and its desire flags, as salt that has lost its savor, so that it has no pungency or relish; or as a bended [bow], which, unless it be unbent, loses the power that it derives from its elasticity. Just so the mind, kept from day to day in the same ideas, without variety (Charity 190).

As a busy mom of young children, my windows of free time are rare and of varying and unpredictable lengths. Sometimes I am given the precious gift of “me time” and instead of seizing it with glee, I panic. I look at this glimmering opportunity and feel paralyzed with the fear of wasting it. Then I wind up realizing that fear by wasting my time trying to decide what I should do instead of actually doing something. Does this sound familiar? 

I find that the hells love to exploit these opportunities by tangling my healthy wants and needs in a web of coulds, woulds, shoulds, and what ifs. The Lord clearly wants us to be happy and to have moments in which to recharge so that we can best serve the uses He has in mind for us. But the hells like to make us feel guilty for taking care of ourselves. They call us selfish. They call us lazy. They distract us with our never-ending to do lists. They point to the ticking clock and play the Jeopardy theme music in our heads, reminding us that this opportunity is fleeting so we had better come up with something amazing to do NOW. The overwhelming tangle can get so sticky that I often end up just doing a typical chore or mindlessly scrolling through my social media feed or rewatching some silly show instead of doing anything that actually refreshes me. 

For my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary, I gave them a conversation. I knew they had no interest in receiving a physical gift. But I figured they would love to do a little reminiscing and discussing their favorite topic–New Church teachings and how they have “worked” for me.  So, I told them.

It helped me to think ahead. With some reflection, I felt newly grateful for certain teachings that were instilled so deeply that I didn’t even feel them leading my life except at critical moments. These include:

Knowing that evil must be put away before one can receive good, but also knowing that it’s never too late. 

Knowing that our job is to focus on being useful. 

Knowing that the Lord reaches everyone. When I hear a truth spoken outside of a church teaching, it is just as true as when it’s written in the Writings. 

Knowing about life after death. This gets bigger the older I get. The New Church has always “done death” very well in my opinion–grieving, mourning, celebrating, anticipation of the future. It is a deep well to draw upon at the passing of a loved one, and I notice it most when I’m surrounded by people who have only the vaguest notion of the afterlife. What a lot they are missing!

Nowhere was I more grateful for my past than in the realm of marriage, though much of it was not on my mind until I met Mark at age 30, at which time I thought, “Now I know what all the fuss is about!” I felt I’d been given an instructor manual, with some idea of how to proceed and what to expect..  

For instance, I didn’t expect the thrills and chills to last forever; it was almost a relief when we got past that first phase and could get on with our (mutual) life.  

Knowing about colds in a marriage. When colds come, I recognize them for what they are.  I once heard a Lutheran minister lament all the challenges to a marriage. He mentioned difficult children, financial stress, career challenges.  “Wow,” I thought. He really missed the boat. He never even mentioned the real (internal) cause that derails marriage: colds towards each other. Colds that can appear to come from myriads of external circumstances, but whose source is always hell. External factors are not going to kill a marriage; but hellish spirits will do it every time we give them the chance.

Finally, knowing that life is messy, and thank goodness it’s not my job to figure it out for everyone else! When things get crazy and I’m not sure how to think/speak/act, I try to remember that with the entire power of the heavens brought to bear on this situation, finding an entrance wherever possible, any good that can be found, will be.

This does not mean every teaching has “worked” in my life! But that is the topic for another article.

My parents, as you can guess, were delighted! It was fun for them to hear that some important teachings have really made a difference for me. My mom brought out a bookmark I had cross-stitched for her decades ago. On one side it says “Trust in the Lord and Do Good” and on the other, “Do not fret because of evildoers.” I smiled; it is perfect for her! So I guess we’ve helped each other through the years.

Do not fret because of evildoers, Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity. For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, And wither as the green herb. Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

Psalm 37

Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my plea!
Answer me because You are faithful and righteous.
My enemy has chased me. He has knocked me to the ground
and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave.
Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You.
Show me where to walk, for I give myself to You.
Rescue me from my enemies, LORD; I run to You to hide me.
In Your unfailing love, silence all my enemies and destroy all my foes,
for I am Your servant.
(Psalm 143:1, 3, 8, 9, 12)

This psalm of David’s carries a familiar theme: crying out in anguish, praising the LORD, calling on Him for help.

After reading this psalm, I pondered it for a while, then formed my own prayer based on David’s. “Please guide me in Your ways, LORD, and destroy my enemies.” Even as I said these words, though, this last bit caught in my throat: “destroy my enemies” David had said it, right there in the last verse of the psalm: “Destroy all my foes.” He was begging the LORD, as I then was, to take the hells away. ….But did I really want Him to destroy them?

I pondered this a bit longer: these hells that I wanted the LORD to destroy, who were they? They were people, too. I pictured some dirty, scary, evil-looking beings like what I might’ve seen in an illustration somewhere. These were people, though, who’d made poor choices and ended up in hell. Nevertheless, they were part of His creation. And if they were part of His creation, and He doesn’t create anything inherently bad, He only creates what He loves – that is to say, He loves everything that He creates,….. then, by definition, He loves these evil spirits, too. I’d known that, theoretically – “The LORD loves everyone.” It had been a bit of a platitude up to that point, though, because in that moment it dawned on me how He loves everyone. Equally. He doesn’t just like some, love some others, and kinda not really like others much at all, and He doesn’t only like us when we’re behaving well: He loves us ALL, each and every one of us, 100%, all the time, passionately, unconditionally. WOAH.

Editor’s note: This week’s post was originally published as a Marriage Moat. Lori writes these messages and sends them as weekday emails as well as posting them on social media. Throughout the year we’ll be sharing a few of our favorites.

As words go, it has a bad reputation. Being presumptuous is lumped with self righteousness, and feeling entitled. 

But what if what you are presuming is goodness? 

A mother was describing a parenting theory in which you believe that your child is doing the best they can, and that their behavior is an effort to solve a problem. Perhaps they are anxious, or overly tired, or afraid of disappointing you. Then in the process they disappoint you. 

She described how she tries not to compound her son’s anger with her own strong reaction, but instead backs off, and later tries to untangle the triggers. It may look as if she is caving to his stubbornness, but perhaps she is stepping aside while it whooshes past. She avoids the tempting tendency to tack on judgment like a dragon’s tail. 

My sense is that children, even those with parents who struggle with addiction, often give their mothers the benefit of the doubt. I recall a scene from a movie with one of those emissaries of innocence- Shirley Temple, or Anne of Green Gables- when asked about the person tasked with caring for her. 

“She meant to be kind to me. She wasn’t always but she meant to.”

Why do I find it hard to be as presumptuous? I’m referring to the respectable version. Instead of leaping off the dock of sensibility, plunging into the cold waters of blame, I could sit calmly. What if I were to consider the possibility, likelihood even, that the person I love is trying?

“Those who are guided by kindness, on the other hand, hardly even notice evil in another but pay attention instead to everything good and true in the person. When they do find anything bad or false, they put a good interpretation on it. This is a characteristic of all angels — one they acquire from the Lord, who bends everything bad toward good.” Heavenly Secrets 1079, Emanuel Swedenborg

Love,
Lori