I write for a living, in more ways than one. I earn money by writing. I also write lengthy communications for everything from saving the planet to family health updates. And of course, there are my journals.

Writing as a medium is, no doubt, intricately influenced by era, culture, and mediums. Which is why Swedenborg’s sheer verbosity astounds me—it would be amazing enough if the Writings, all 7000 pages of them, were typed! My dad believes that the brain works differently when typing vs. writing by hand, and I suspect he’s right. 

But one thing hasn’t changed, and that is that we still are responsible for our own writing—or at least, we should be. Anonymity in online media today is a sure route down a rabbit hole into acrimony, hostility and mistaken assumptions. I am careful to only write what I am willing to put my name behind, for better or for worse. This has helped me to acquire a level of caution I didn’t used to have, and also discouraged, or at least slowed, my reactive (usually passionate) declarations or responses.

I want my words to be heard. I want them to matter. I want them to make the world better. These are not bad things! 

(Trigger warning: mention of child death, but not actual! Just as a basis for comparison)

My husband and I are blessed with one biological child: a nearly-eighteen-year-old, tall, handsome, responsible, kind, gentle young man. I may be a bit biased, but he really does seem to be a good guy. I love that boy with all my Zach-loving heart! That has 100% not changed, nor will it likely ever.

….And yet, thinking back on his infancy & childhood, returning my mind to snuggling with him, breastfeeding him, carrying him around, laughing and playing with that little boy…. That’s all definitely gone, never to be retrieved. It’s just as well that our young adult progeny doesn’t require breastfeeding or carrying, goodness knows! We’re proud of his achievements in the various aspects of his life, not the least of which is his ability to nourish himself and get himself around, not only within the house but now from one suburb or city – or state – to the next; and we wouldn’t change a thing about him, really…… 

It’s just that it hurts. I blessedly haven’t experienced a child of mine dying – praise be to God! I hope I never will, and my heart aches for those who have; but it occurs to me that this transformation from little child to grown (nearly) adult is akin to that. The baby that we knew, the toddler, the rambunctious preschooler, the inquisitive, parent-adoring, question-asking schoolboy, he’s definitely gone. We weathered the holier-than-thou phase of adolescence and, I’m happy to say, appear to be on the other side of that: Zach really is such a sweet young man, and I very much love sharing hugs and kisses and laughs and insights with his nearly-adult self. I wouldn’t trade him for the world! ..I just mourn the loss of my sweet little boy, sometimes. 

Recently, I’ve been meditating on the idea of ‘resting in the Lord’. It made me reflect on how difficult it is to stop and rest our minds and bodies during the day. Even when we do get a chance to slow down, things are still competing for our attention: phone calls, family members, social media, mealtimes, and so on. Like many of us, I am very caught up in a swarming, fast-paced lifestyle, wishing I knew how to stop without losing productivity. But instead, my mind works faster, worrying about the work I’ll forget or the opportunities I’ll miss. I imagine that I am not alone in this experience. All I know is that I need to find a way to slow down once in a while – to ‘rest’. It wasn’t till recently that I found a solution.

In this article I will share some steps that have helped me to rest my mind amidst the turmoil of everyday life. Hopefully you will find something that resonates with you!

Agreements: the path to balance.

The concept that has helped me make time to rest is something I like to call an ‘agreement’. You make agreements all the time: to your parents, to your siblings, to your boss, to your society, and to yourself. This is happening constantly, and at any moment, you are either fulfilling an agreement, or ignoring one. And if you don’t fulfill an agreement – you feel angry, sad and resentful.

Agreements are internal expectations that you have identified, determined are important, and agreed to follow and fulfill. I like the term ‘agreement’ better than ‘expectation’. Agreement suggests autonomy; it gives you more power. You see, sometimes you set unrealistic expectations for yourself unconsciously. Expectations are instilled in us though our experiences – such as witnessing an argument, or feeling disappointed. An agreement is where you take an expectation and consciously decide to act on it. Therefore, you make a pact—an agreement with yourself—to behave in a certain way. 

One of the boys I nanny graduated from kindergarten this past spring, and his new reading and writing skills have evolved into an interest in journaling. This week he decided to write an entry in his summer journal. He drew a picture, wrote a few sentences, and when he was finished, asked if I would underwrite (correct any spelling mistakes, etc.). I thought back to the school year when he was less inclined to sound out words all by himself, preferring to just get it all right the first time. Now his independent sounding out is second nature. I tucked his example away as a little lesson on being willing to move forward sans perfection. 

I have a long history of journaling myself, complete with my own struggles to embrace imperfection. Eventually my toil over neat handwriting and carefully erased mistakes gave way to scribbling out and scribbling away, and I discovered how vulnerable and liberating it feels to move along without perfection holding me back. In what other ways might we feel pressure for things to be ‘Right’ before moving forward? A recent conversation about it inspired a handful of examples, including: feeling a need to be more healed or regenerate before beginning a new journey; avoiding asking for help until we feel that we, or the problem, are “worthy” of it; shying away from showing up or sharing something unless we can present our best; feeling presumptuous attending church or taking holy supper when especially tangled up in our inadequacies; needing the house to be clean before buying flowers for the dining room table…the list goes on. 

Sometimes we don’t want to do it messily. But the Lord wants us to come as we are. 

I underwrote for my young friend in small letters so as not to distract from his own effort, which holds much more value than the technicalities. I cherish those sounded out words and helter-skelter fonts. They are a charming picture of both having grown, and growth to come. That is where we sit too, and I think we should aim to embrace it. I hope backwards and missing letters will be a recurring reminder of the bravery of moving along as we are. Perfection takes no bravery; avoidance for lack of perfection takes no bravery – messiness does! That’s where we’re called to seek the Lord; it’s where He already waits for us. 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28